A Memoir of Survival
The experience of wanting to die is not a failure of character; it is a profound testament to the unbearable weight of a world that has become too dark to navigate. When I was a child, during those desperate, chaotic years before I finally saved myself, the pain became an endless storm. The environment was so overwhelming, so laced with fear, that I felt completely trapped.
During that time, I was suicidal due to what had happened. The abuse and terror made the situation feel so utterly hopeless that the only escape I could see was ending the pain altogether. The desire was not about wanting to end my life, but about desperately needing the suffering to stop.
The Spiritual Isolation of Despair
My poem “Just a Baby” captures that absolute terror and loneliness:
“There was a monster on top of me / Somebody save me / I’m just a baby.”
When those who are meant to be your guardians become the source of your greatest fear (“My wolf in sheep’s clothing”), a child experiences not just physical trauma, but spiritual isolation. You feel utterly separated from safety, love, and hope. The pain hits so deep it impacts the very spirit, making the world feel hostile and unguided: “I don’t know this world. Please be my guide. I’m lost, don’t leave me here to die.”
If you have ever been in that moment, where every path forward feels blocked by terror or pain, please hear this: Your desire to survive, even buried deep beneath the weight of despair, is still there. That small, powerful voice you eventually found to cry out for help is proof of your inherent will to live.
The Scripture of Steadfast Hope and Deliverance
When the world collapses and despair feels absolute, faith offers not a simple answer, but an anchor, a profound promise that you are seen, even in the darkest void.
For Validation and Comfort:
- Psalm 34:18 (The Promise of Nearness): “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
- Deeper Meaning: This assures you that God is closest when you are at your lowest point. Your broken heart draws His presence, affirming that you are not abandoned in your deepest isolation.
- Psalm 46:1 (God as Refuge): “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”
- Deeper Meaning: When the monster is physical and ever-present, this scripture provides the spiritual reality that there is always a place of refuge and strength available, even if only within your spirit.
For Endurance and Future:
- 2 Corinthians 4:8–9 (Affirming the Fight): “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”
- Deeper Meaning: This passage is the voice of the survivor. It acknowledges the severity of the trauma, being “hard pressed” and “struck down”, but resolutely affirms the enduring will to live.
- Jeremiah 29:11 (The Future of Hope): “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”
- Deeper Meaning: This scripture confronts the hopelessness of trauma directly, promising a path and a future beyond the immediate suffering. It confirms that the pain you endured was never part of the divine plan for your harm.
For Moments of Crisis:
- Psalm 18:6 (The Cry for Help): “In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.”
- Deeper Meaning: This empowers the reader to vocalize their pain, just as you did when you finally spoke to your teacher. It confirms that the act of crying out, whether to God or to a trusted person, is the first step toward deliverance.
Turning the Corner: The Act of Self-Rescue
My turning point came at sixteen, when I realized that waiting for a savior was costing me my life. The fear was crushing, but the thought of letting the pain win was eventually more terrifying than the fight.
My act of self-rescue, going to a teacher, reporting the truth, was the first, most powerful choice for life. That choice confirmed the core truth of the Phoenix Rising journey: you have the power to break the cycle.
If you are currently trapped in the chaos of hopelessness, remember that your survival is your greatest act of defiance. You have already endured the worst moments, and every moment you choose to stay, you are honoring the bravery of that inner child who just wanted the pain to stop.
Critical Resources for Immediate Help
If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or deep despair, please reach out now. Help is free, confidential, and available 24/7.
| Resource | Description | Phone/Text/Website |
| 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline | Free, confidential support for people in distress (US & Canada). | Call or Text: 988 (24/7) |
| Crisis Text Line | Connects you with a crisis counselor via text (US, Canada, UK, Ireland). | Text HOME to 741741 |
| National Domestic Violence Hotline | Support for victims and survivors of domestic abuse (US). | Call: 1-800-799-7233 or Text START to 88788 |
| The Hotline | Live chat feature for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. | Website: https://www.thehotline.org/ |
| National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN) | Free, confidential support for survivors of sexual assault. | Call: 1-800-656-HOPE |
Your story is one of ultimate triumph, showing that even the smallest voice has the power to achieve the greatest survival.
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